I apologize in advance if I seem whiny or attention-seeking...I really don't mean to. (Of course you also don't have to read this if you don't want to!) Some of these thoughts have been going through my mind lately as it's been All-County time and I'm spending time with other music teachers and, as always, comparing myself to others.
I seem to be struggling a lot lately with confidence in my abilities as an educator and voice teacher. Since it's been All-County time for the past few weeks, and it has made me contemplate the idea of ever conducting at a festival like that, and how I would be simply terrified. And that makes me sad, because I'm sure at some point I used to think I would love to do something like that! And it's not just that. I just really miss looking forward to choral rehearsals. I miss doing fun exercises and games with the kids. God I hope it gets better with time.
I just get so down on myself about teaching, to the point where I wonder if it's worth it. Even when I teach privately, I'm worried that I'm missing something big that the kid is doing wrong, or that I'm not covering the basics well enough. I am such a WORRIER. And maybe it's better to be a teacher who is concerned instead of a teacher who really doesn't care, but what if the concern is holding me back?
The thing is I know that I'm a good musician and a good singer and a good person, and all three of those things should make for a darn good teacher...but I just don't think I'm there...and I want to be! What can I do to become more confident? Is it getting more experience? Watching others and getting some new ideas? Even if I do get all those things, will I ever really feel like I'm doing a good job, or will I always worry and second guess myself? I would love to sit in a meeting with other teachers and feel confident enough to count myself as an equal...but I'm definitely not there yet.
Seems like a good first step would be to remind myself what my strengths are, and try to go from there...
I once heard someone say that the problem with being a teacher is you often never get to see the fruits of your labor until perhaps much later in your career and you happen to meet one of your students who you've had a significant impact on. They tell you the great things you've done to inspire them or make them a better person and you realize it's been worth it.
ReplyDeleteI do think you're a worrier but I also think that makes you a great teacher. Only once we try to be the best can we ever come close enough to getting there. I think it's important not to be a perfectionist tho. You are human after all and are allowed to make mistakes.
You do great things Mary Kate. I've seen it with my own eyes and I've heard my students talk about it, especially now that you're gone from JFK. Trust in yourself that you're doing the best that you can for the time being but never give up trying new things.