I will admit that in the weeks leading up to this past week, which included three rehearsals almost back-to-back, I was just really looking forward for them to be over. I was tired from the school year, tired of feeling so crappy about singing. I just wanted to get through it and get the concert over with.
Then, Wednesday's rehearsal actually came and we met Dr. Stroope. I am not lying when I say that for every minute he was with us (so, let's see...165 minutes on Wednesday...same on Thursday and Saturday...that's a lot of minutes...), I was engaged and enjoying myself. He was so positive, musical, passionate, intense, demanding...yet calm, cool and collected. One of those people that just makes choral conducting look like the easiest, most wonderful job in the world. I truly didn't mind going to rehearsal one bit and was driven to tears a few times at the dress rehearsal.
Then the concert today was as great as I hoped it would be. I got to sit in front, which of course made me enjoy the concert that much more. It still bothers me that I have to do that...makes me feel weak, but I can't dwell on that... The point is, it was an experience that reminded me of how much I enjoy performing.
I was thinking earlier about some of the musical highlights in of my choral career. Of all of the gazillions of concerts I have sung in, three performances stand out in my mind as being life-changing and inspiring to the point where I felt truly moved.
- The first was actually All-County my junior year, a piece called "Eli, Eli". I don't know the composer or even remember much about the piece, but it was one of those very mournful, sing-your-guts-out kinda songs, and I remember at that moment realizing just how incredible singing really can be. It was sort of like an "a-ha! This is what I want to do with my life!" moment. (It might be this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5YRgciZx-k)
- The second was the Fredonia Masterworks Choir's performance of "Mozart's Requiem". The rehearsal process leading up to it was grueling, but the actual concert with the WNYCO guest conductor (whom we fondly called "Uncle Phil") was incredible! I felt a rush of adrenaline and energy that I will never forget.
- The third one was today's performance of "The Pasture". Honestly, this piece didn't really stand out to me in rehearsals. Compared to the rest of the pieces, it was quite simple and not flashy at all. However, when the composer, whom you admire greatly, starts to tear up as he is conducting your group...you don't forget that. The beautiful vocal lines, the poetry, the piano...amazing.
I am glad that the concert went well, I am glad I put myself out there, and I am glad that it's over. I don't know what will happen with singing next year, or the year after that. I am nowhere near ready to stand up with confidence in front of an audience as part of a choir, but with some adjustments, I can make it work. For now, I think I will just take my time. I want to do what feels right, not push myself into high-stress situations. Hopefully, things will work out for me and I'll find a way to keep being a part of the choral world in a capacity that makes me feel good. Today was certainly a gift.
