An incredible week...

This week, I was fortunate enough to have the chance to sing with one of my favorite composers. Dr. Z. Randall Stroope has written some of my favorite choral pieces, including "Omnia Sol", "Amor De Mi Alma", "The Poet Sings" and "Inscription of Hope", among many more.  He was a guest conductor for BCAS, the group I re-joined this past winter. Knowing he was coming was a huge factor in making the decision to return to the group!

I will admit that in the weeks leading up to this past week, which included three rehearsals almost back-to-back, I was just really looking forward for them to be over. I was tired from the school year, tired of feeling so crappy about singing. I just wanted to get through it and get the concert over with.

Then, Wednesday's rehearsal actually came and we met Dr. Stroope. I am not lying when I say that for every minute he was with us (so, let's see...165 minutes on Wednesday...same on Thursday and Saturday...that's a lot of minutes...), I was engaged and enjoying myself. He was so positive, musical, passionate, intense, demanding...yet calm, cool and collected. One of those people that just makes choral conducting look like the easiest, most wonderful job in the world. I truly didn't mind going to rehearsal one bit and was driven to tears a few times at the dress rehearsal.

Then the concert today was as great as I hoped it would be. I got to sit in front, which of course made me enjoy the concert that much more. It still bothers me that I have to do that...makes me feel weak, but I can't dwell on that... The point is, it was an experience that reminded me of how much I enjoy performing.

I was thinking earlier about some of the musical highlights in of my choral career. Of all of the gazillions of concerts I have sung in, three performances stand out in my mind as being life-changing and inspiring to the point where I felt truly moved.

• The first was actually All-County my junior year, a piece called "Eli, Eli". I don't know the composer or even remember much about the piece, but it was one of those very mournful, sing-your-guts-out kinda songs, and I remember at that moment realizing just how incredible singing really can be. It was sort of like an "a-ha! This is what I want to do with my life!" moment. (It might be this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5YRgciZx-k)
• The second was the Fredonia Masterworks Choir's performance of "Mozart's Requiem". The rehearsal process leading up to it was grueling, but the actual concert with the WNYCO guest conductor (whom we fondly called "Uncle Phil") was incredible! I felt a rush of adrenaline and energy that I will never forget.
• The third one was today's performance of "The Pasture". Honestly, this piece didn't really stand out to me in rehearsals. Compared to the rest of the pieces, it was quite simple and not flashy at all. However, when the composer, whom you admire greatly, starts to tear up as he is conducting your group...you don't forget that. The beautiful vocal lines, the poetry, the piano...amazing.

I am glad that the concert went well, I am glad I put myself out there, and I am glad that it's over. I don't know what will happen with singing next year, or the year after that. I am nowhere near ready to stand up with confidence in front of an audience as part of a choir, but with some adjustments, I can make it work. For now, I think I will just take my time. I want to do what feels right, not push myself into high-stress situations. Hopefully, things will work out for me and I'll find a way to keep being a part of the choral world in a capacity that makes me feel good. Today was certainly a gift.

What do you do when your mind and your body are stopping you from doing something you love?

It occurred to me this morning that my self esteem and self-worth have been very closely associated with Harmonia and singing in general. I have never been confident as a teacher, but I always had singing. I'm a good reader, I listen, I can be a leader, I can sing solos, and I don't sound half bad. And Harmonia, as stressful and dramatic as it can be, was always a place where I felt important, confident and needed. I made wonderful friendships, collaborated with some fantastic singers, and been part of many, many fulfilling and rewarding performances.

Starting in December of 2013, things started to change. In my personal life, I was experiencing fertility issues, which was affecting me mentally and emotionally. Then it started affecting me physically. It started with a single concert (in which I was only filling in for a few songs) where I was suddenly struck with the overwhelming feeling of fear. At the time, I thought I was getting overheated, so I left the stage after one song, no harm done.

But the next concert, those feelings started creeping back. My mind raced
with many irrational worries - that I'd faint, get overheated, lose my breath, my legs would give out, etc. And it grew worse with each concert until the summer of 2014, when it drove me absolutely crazy and I couldn't make it through more than a song or two without needing to sit (which didn't really calm me down, but it was one less thing to worry about).

As all this was happening, I was continuing to experience the exhausting process of infertility, which involved months of disappointment, hormones, exams, blood tests and medical procedures.  Eventually, it worked! And I was SO happy. I wanted a baby for what felt like so long, and it was finally happening. It felt like everything I'd been wishing for was coming true, and now I had an excuse to make the changes in my life that (I thought) I wanted.

And as far as Harmonia, everything seemed to fall into place. I hadn't been happy lately anyway, I knew I wouldn't be able to sing the whole year, and a new soprano was ready to take my spot. It was perfect.

Then Elliot came along, six weeks earlier than he was supposed to. We spent six agonizing weeks waiting for him to come home from the hospital. I was also healing from a C-section and dealing with pumping, storing and transferring milk for him.  When Elliot did finally come home, I continued to stress about pumping, having a preemie and all of the normal worries of an anxiety-prone new mother.  I stayed home most of the time, and when I did leave, I usually didn't feel right. I was anxious, tense, sometimes panicked just from doing things that anyone can do - drive, grocery shopping or going out with friends.

I made appointments with doctors. I was prescribed medication to help, some of which I tried but most of which seemed scary. I didn't want to live that way, and I was starting to feel much better since I was back at work. I knew that things were improving.

When Elliot turned a year old, I realized that I was finally feeling "normal" again.  I felt much more capable of handling my emotions.  I decided that it was time to try singing again. I knew it would be hard, but singing is part of who I am, and the timing felt right. I rejoined BCAS, a larger choir where I knew I could "hide" a little and wouldn't be a burden if I suddenly bowed out.

I sang in two concerts. The first was really hard and draining, but I did it. The second concert, I ended up sitting instead of standing on the risers. I was disappointed in myself, but at least I didn't have another panic attack.

It was also coming up on Harmonia's 10th anniversary - a big deal. I knew that I really wanted to be part of that celebration and that I would be really sad if I missed out. So I re-joined, making sure I didn't do any solos, knowing very well that there was a distinct possibility I wouldn't be able to handle the performance.

The big weekend came (and technically is still here!). The whole week I was gearing up. I tried taking some Xanax to see the best timing. Rehearsal was great - I was almost driven to tears more than once, just so relieved to be back in such a familiar place - standing with friends, Rob conducting - I wasn't sure I'd ever be back, and there I was!

Friday night "preview" concert. It wasn't perfect, and I had to switch to the end of the row so that I would feel less trapped, but I did it. I made it through the whole, albeit shortened, concert.  The anxiety never went away totally, but I dealt with it and survived.

Saturday started tough - my throat felt very dry and the nerves were already starting to build during morning rehearsal. But I did everything I thought would help - came home, napped a little, long shower, chamomile tea, distracted myself by setting up for the reception after, did some deep breathing, popped a Xanax...

Turned out that none of that mattered. This concert was a big deal, and it all hit me twenty minutes before it was supposed to start.  The professional video and audio recording, the news coverage, the world premiere and the hundreds of people in the audience. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I realized that I couldn't do it. What if I ruined the recordings with my nervous jitters? I knew that I would spend the whole concert in a state of panic, no matter how many times I told myself to calm down. After all, who can take a few moments to "meditate" when hundreds of people are watching you?

So after bursting into tears, I sat and talked to Lindsay and Veronica who helped me calm down, and decided not to sing. I momentarily felt better - they were right - it's one concert, and in the grand scheme of life, is it really THAT important?

I sat "backstage" and listened. The singing was spectacular. It made me happy that the concert was a success, it made me sad that I wasn't out there with them, and it made me selfishly angry how obviously they didn't seem to need me anymore.

I stayed to set up the after party (so I felt somewhat useful) and mingled for a little while, but I just wasn't in the mood. I knew that if I talked to Rob that I would just start crying again, which would be a bit of a downer at a party. So instead of eating cake and celebrating a successful ten years with my friends, I drove home sobbing, feeling like everything I went through was for nothing.



Now that I've slept, eaten, played with my boy and calmed down, I keep thinking, "now what?". Will Rob ever trust me again? How much therapy am I going to have to go through to get over this? What if I NEVER feel normal again when I sing? What's it going to take to be the singer and performer I used to be?

I KNOW that if last night had been just another "regular" concert, I could have done it. That is about the only consolation I can find, and the only bit of hope I can cling to. I was too ambitious thinking I could handle the evening, but I love Harmonia and desperately wanted to be part of this celebration. I need to congratulate myself on accomplishing one concert, and what else can I do but try to move forward? (A much easier thought to grapple with after a good night's sleep.)  Maybe I could start taking voice lessons again. Maybe I should give a small recital for friends and family this summer.  Maybe I need to give myself a break and know that I'm doing the best that I can with what has been dealt to me. Or maybe all of the above...

I hate that this is happening to me - and I know that many far worse things can happen to people - but it feels so unfair that I've lost something that has been such a huge part of my life. I just pray that I look back on this weekend someday and know that I've done everything I can do get back to where I want - and need - to be.

A school-ish kind of weekend...

Whatever happened to Saturday niiiiight?…

In anticipation of what I'm guessing will be a really long and busy and tiring next 4 weeks, I've been doing schoolwork for the past 3 hours or so. I also spent about an hour and a half in my classroom today organizing and cleaning. WHAT?! And I'll probably do the same tomorrow…!?

It makes me wonder if I spent this long on schoolwork on a regular basis at home, would it make my daily routine easier? Less scrambling around or planning during the day? Seems like, of course it would be easier. But do I really want to spend my Saturdays/weekends always thinking about school? Definitely not.

It's an internal battle I've had for years. I remember when I first started teaching, how I would look so forward to breaks because I could get SO much work done! I'd load up my workbag, thinking about everything that REALLY needed to get done and was SUPER important…then head home, get into comfy pants…and not open my bag again until the night before I was to go back.

I still do it to some extent. It's true that when I'm at school, everything is swimming through my head and all I'm thinking about is getting a new project ready, or arranging a song for my Choir, or grading this stack of quizzes. It just seems like there is always SOMETHING I could get done (or several).  But then I get home and it just somehow doesn't seem all that important anymore. Do I ever regret not getting things done when I get to work? Of course! But…not always. I mean I DO have planning periods, after all.

How much time do you think is healthy to spend on schoolwork outside of school? I always assume that as I settle into my current job, I'll have less and less to do at home…hopefully!

Thoughts about this new(ish) school year

Whoops, haven't blogged in quite some time! And since How I Met Your Mother is waiting for me on the DVR, this probably won't be too long.

So hope everyone's school year is going well. Mine is going all right. Today, the second rotation of arts classes started. Our students rotate between four different arts offerings, and each lasts about eight weeks. I always have mixed feelings about new groups coming in.  On one hand, it's nice to have a fresh start, but then it means starting all over again! By the time the fourth rotation comes around, I have to admit I'm usually a little tired of the routine. But I don't want to complain. At my former position, I taught the same group of middle school kids for the entire school year, and that is really, really long, especially for that age group. It's nice to let them try a little of everything throughout the year.

I've started taking guitar lessons. My 7th graders take guitar for their music curriculum. While I've been able to get by all right, I always felt that my skills were lacking and that my students could benefit if I just knew more about the instrument. It's been really fun, and is totally going to help me this second time around. I'm looking forward to focusing a lot on chords with them, which is something I haven't done. We've done mostly melody with a few chords mixed in. However, my hubby and guitar teacher have a point when they remind me that most guitarists end up playing rhythm guitar, not being soloists! So I'm looking forward to getting these kids to rock out a bit more, with of course a little Ode To Joy and such mixed in.

I've become a little more invested in my teaching lately, and it seems to be helping both my actual lessons and my mental health. You see, I think I got a little burned out from my previous position. I really threw myself into that job, spending countless hours and energy building up a program that was taken away from me after only 5 years. So when I started my current job, I told myself I wasn't going to do that again. I would do what I had to do but not go crazy with extra things.  And I definitely followed my own advice, and now feel like it's time to step it up a little bit, because really, my job is the most important part of my life right now. Yes I have my hubby and my kitty and friends and outside commitments, but let's face it, we spend most of our time at our jobs. And I don't think I'm the kind of person that can clock out every day as soon as I'm allowed and still feel like I'm doing everything I can.

Hopefully part of that will be maintaining this blog! Maybe I'll start putting up some lesson plans and stuff...not that I want people to steal my ideas...but every now and then I come up with something kinda cool, and I'm sure people would benefit! In fact I'm hatching the idea for the first "informational" blog now...

Summer!

Well here we are...summer time! I'm still in the lovely phase of summer where I am loving the weather and the freedom. I haven't hit the crazy part where I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything and need to do various things to feel valid and important.  So, hooray for that.

I obviously don't have much teaching-related stuff to blog about, although I am teaching some private lessons this summer. I thought it would be good to stay involved in school somehow, plus I have projects at school that NEED to get done. It's just hard to push myself to get in during the summer and get the stuff done.

I must complain for a moment about my knee. I recently re-discovered my love of running. I used to run a lot - even did a marathon in 2008. That really wiped me out and I sort of took awhile off - just running here and there, no real training. Then a few of my friends decided (under the influence of copious amounts of wine) to run a half marathon this spring! So I trained for it, and I did it, and it was excellent of course. I of course decided to sign up for another one in the fall! Yay, right? Well, for some reason or another, my left knee has decided to be a huge jerk and have random pain. I took two weeks off but it really didn't seem to help much. It's so frustrating, especially because I forked out some big $$$ to run this race AND I can't get an appointment with a specialist until August! AHHH! So now I'm forced to NOT run when I have all the time in the world to. Of course I'm so stubborn that I'm just going to run anyway...but not very much. Walking is fine but it's just not the same.

Hmm, not much else to report! I've listened to a few auditions for the choir I sing with over the past week or so. It's great to be involved with that process, and it's always interesting to hear singers from around the area. Auditions are so nerve-wracking, no matter how old or experienced you are. I feel so bad for some people who just cannot seem to calm down or think clearly during the process! Of course I'm sure I'm the same way.

Well I'm sitting in my awesome backyard being eaten alive by bugs, so I should probably turn in. Since it's summer, I'm sure I'll be blogging a lot more. My millions of readers will enjoy it, I'm sure. :)

confidence

I apologize in advance if I seem whiny or attention-seeking...I really don't mean to.  (Of course you also don't have to read this if you don't want to!) Some of these thoughts have been going through my mind lately as it's been All-County time and I'm spending time with other music teachers and, as always, comparing myself to others.

I seem to be struggling a lot lately with confidence in my abilities as an educator and voice teacher. Since it's been All-County time for the past few weeks, and it has made me contemplate the idea of ever conducting at a festival like that, and how I would be simply terrified. And that makes me sad, because I'm sure at some point I used to think I would love to do something like that!  And it's not just that.   I just really miss looking forward to choral rehearsals. I miss doing fun exercises and games with the kids. God I hope it gets better with time.

I just get so down on myself about teaching, to the point where I wonder if it's worth it. Even when I teach privately, I'm worried that I'm missing something big that the kid is doing wrong, or that I'm not covering the basics well enough. I am such a WORRIER. And maybe it's better to be a teacher who is concerned instead of a teacher who really doesn't care, but what if the concern is holding me back?

The thing is I know that I'm a good musician and a good singer and a good person, and all three of those things should make for a darn good teacher...but I just don't think I'm there...and I want to be! What can I do to become more confident? Is it getting more experience? Watching others and getting some new ideas? Even if I do get all those things, will I ever really feel like I'm doing a good job, or will I always worry and second guess myself? I would love to sit in a meeting with other teachers and feel confident enough to count myself as an equal...but I'm definitely not there yet.

Seems like a good first step would be to remind myself what my strengths are, and try to go from there...

Chorus woes

So, I love singing, as clearly indicated by the name of this blog. In fact when I went to college I didn't even really know what I wanted to do. I just knew I loved music and I loved to sing. More specifically, I love singing in a choir. I don't even understand people who don't love it as much as I do. It's basically the greatest thing you can do with your time, and I would feel like the greatest person in the world if I could get my kids to feel the same way.

But sadly I have found that in my current position, I don't like, ok, I despise the choral program. I rarely look forward to teaching either of my two choirs (5/6 and 7/8). This is partially due to the schedule and mainly due to my lack of ability to teach this age group.

The deal is I don't get to see my choirs very often. So all of the things that I LOVE doing - fun warm-ups, sight-reading, activities to help us read the music - I feel like I have no time to do any of it because it's just soooo important to get ready for the concert. I find myself just pushing them through to learn the notes and memorize the songs in the little time that we have. And as a result, my rehearsals are lame and unfulfilling and the kids are not learning a darn thing about reading music or vocal technique - two things that are essential to being in a choir!!!!!!!

It's to the point where I'll be sitting in one of my own choral rehearsals and find myself thinking about my students and how they are not getting nearly as much out of Choir as they could be and that I'm depriving these kids of a great experience. (I know it sounds dramatic but that's really how I feel!)

The thing that's hardest for me is the younger kids. I forget sometimes that for most of them, this is the first time they've been in a Chorus. They don't know what it's like to be a good Chorus student - what frame of reference do they have? I am the one who should be teaching them these basic fundamental things, but I find myself NOT doing that! It's like I just expect them to know what to do and when they don't, I just get frustrated and negative. I wish I could find the balance between making my rehearsals fun while still creating a true learning environment.

I know the best answer for me is to stop making excuses and to teach the way I want to. Sure, I don't see them a lot, but that doesn't mean I can't come up with routines to get us warmed up and make them think about their voices. It doesn't mean I can't spend 2 minutes doing a sight-reading exercise or choose one less song to do in the concert. I know that in the long run, it is way better to take the time to teach them how to read music and how to sing correctly.

I'm also in a school where I have a lot of freedom to do what I like with the choral program. So theoretically I could audition all my singers and only take the ones who I know will take it seriously - even in 5th grade. But is that right? Should I give all the young kids a chance, or raise the credibility of the program by adding a screening process? Will this discourage good kids from joining if they're afraid to audition, or will it "weed out" the kids that I get frustrated with?

I'd love to hear your thoughts, as usual.

Almost spring break!