An incredible week...

This week, I was fortunate enough to have the chance to sing with one of my favorite composers. Dr. Z. Randall Stroope has written some of my favorite choral pieces, including "Omnia Sol", "Amor De Mi Alma", "The Poet Sings" and "Inscription of Hope", among many more.  He was a guest conductor for BCAS, the group I re-joined this past winter. Knowing he was coming was a huge factor in making the decision to return to the group!

I will admit that in the weeks leading up to this past week, which included three rehearsals almost back-to-back, I was just really looking forward for them to be over. I was tired from the school year, tired of feeling so crappy about singing. I just wanted to get through it and get the concert over with.

Then, Wednesday's rehearsal actually came and we met Dr. Stroope. I am not lying when I say that for every minute he was with us (so, let's see...165 minutes on Wednesday...same on Thursday and Saturday...that's a lot of minutes...), I was engaged and enjoying myself. He was so positive, musical, passionate, intense, demanding...yet calm, cool and collected. One of those people that just makes choral conducting look like the easiest, most wonderful job in the world. I truly didn't mind going to rehearsal one bit and was driven to tears a few times at the dress rehearsal.

Then the concert today was as great as I hoped it would be. I got to sit in front, which of course made me enjoy the concert that much more. It still bothers me that I have to do that...makes me feel weak, but I can't dwell on that... The point is, it was an experience that reminded me of how much I enjoy performing.

I was thinking earlier about some of the musical highlights in of my choral career. Of all of the gazillions of concerts I have sung in, three performances stand out in my mind as being life-changing and inspiring to the point where I felt truly moved.

• The first was actually All-County my junior year, a piece called "Eli, Eli". I don't know the composer or even remember much about the piece, but it was one of those very mournful, sing-your-guts-out kinda songs, and I remember at that moment realizing just how incredible singing really can be. It was sort of like an "a-ha! This is what I want to do with my life!" moment. (It might be this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5YRgciZx-k)
• The second was the Fredonia Masterworks Choir's performance of "Mozart's Requiem". The rehearsal process leading up to it was grueling, but the actual concert with the WNYCO guest conductor (whom we fondly called "Uncle Phil") was incredible! I felt a rush of adrenaline and energy that I will never forget.
• The third one was today's performance of "The Pasture". Honestly, this piece didn't really stand out to me in rehearsals. Compared to the rest of the pieces, it was quite simple and not flashy at all. However, when the composer, whom you admire greatly, starts to tear up as he is conducting your group...you don't forget that. The beautiful vocal lines, the poetry, the piano...amazing.

I am glad that the concert went well, I am glad I put myself out there, and I am glad that it's over. I don't know what will happen with singing next year, or the year after that. I am nowhere near ready to stand up with confidence in front of an audience as part of a choir, but with some adjustments, I can make it work. For now, I think I will just take my time. I want to do what feels right, not push myself into high-stress situations. Hopefully, things will work out for me and I'll find a way to keep being a part of the choral world in a capacity that makes me feel good. Today was certainly a gift.

What do you do when your mind and your body are stopping you from doing something you love?

It occurred to me this morning that my self esteem and self-worth have been very closely associated with Harmonia and singing in general. I have never been confident as a teacher, but I always had singing. I'm a good reader, I listen, I can be a leader, I can sing solos, and I don't sound half bad. And Harmonia, as stressful and dramatic as it can be, was always a place where I felt important, confident and needed. I made wonderful friendships, collaborated with some fantastic singers, and been part of many, many fulfilling and rewarding performances.

Starting in December of 2013, things started to change. In my personal life, I was experiencing fertility issues, which was affecting me mentally and emotionally. Then it started affecting me physically. It started with a single concert (in which I was only filling in for a few songs) where I was suddenly struck with the overwhelming feeling of fear. At the time, I thought I was getting overheated, so I left the stage after one song, no harm done.

But the next concert, those feelings started creeping back. My mind raced
with many irrational worries - that I'd faint, get overheated, lose my breath, my legs would give out, etc. And it grew worse with each concert until the summer of 2014, when it drove me absolutely crazy and I couldn't make it through more than a song or two without needing to sit (which didn't really calm me down, but it was one less thing to worry about).

As all this was happening, I was continuing to experience the exhausting process of infertility, which involved months of disappointment, hormones, exams, blood tests and medical procedures.  Eventually, it worked! And I was SO happy. I wanted a baby for what felt like so long, and it was finally happening. It felt like everything I'd been wishing for was coming true, and now I had an excuse to make the changes in my life that (I thought) I wanted.

And as far as Harmonia, everything seemed to fall into place. I hadn't been happy lately anyway, I knew I wouldn't be able to sing the whole year, and a new soprano was ready to take my spot. It was perfect.

Then Elliot came along, six weeks earlier than he was supposed to. We spent six agonizing weeks waiting for him to come home from the hospital. I was also healing from a C-section and dealing with pumping, storing and transferring milk for him.  When Elliot did finally come home, I continued to stress about pumping, having a preemie and all of the normal worries of an anxiety-prone new mother.  I stayed home most of the time, and when I did leave, I usually didn't feel right. I was anxious, tense, sometimes panicked just from doing things that anyone can do - drive, grocery shopping or going out with friends.

I made appointments with doctors. I was prescribed medication to help, some of which I tried but most of which seemed scary. I didn't want to live that way, and I was starting to feel much better since I was back at work. I knew that things were improving.

When Elliot turned a year old, I realized that I was finally feeling "normal" again.  I felt much more capable of handling my emotions.  I decided that it was time to try singing again. I knew it would be hard, but singing is part of who I am, and the timing felt right. I rejoined BCAS, a larger choir where I knew I could "hide" a little and wouldn't be a burden if I suddenly bowed out.

I sang in two concerts. The first was really hard and draining, but I did it. The second concert, I ended up sitting instead of standing on the risers. I was disappointed in myself, but at least I didn't have another panic attack.

It was also coming up on Harmonia's 10th anniversary - a big deal. I knew that I really wanted to be part of that celebration and that I would be really sad if I missed out. So I re-joined, making sure I didn't do any solos, knowing very well that there was a distinct possibility I wouldn't be able to handle the performance.

The big weekend came (and technically is still here!). The whole week I was gearing up. I tried taking some Xanax to see the best timing. Rehearsal was great - I was almost driven to tears more than once, just so relieved to be back in such a familiar place - standing with friends, Rob conducting - I wasn't sure I'd ever be back, and there I was!

Friday night "preview" concert. It wasn't perfect, and I had to switch to the end of the row so that I would feel less trapped, but I did it. I made it through the whole, albeit shortened, concert.  The anxiety never went away totally, but I dealt with it and survived.

Saturday started tough - my throat felt very dry and the nerves were already starting to build during morning rehearsal. But I did everything I thought would help - came home, napped a little, long shower, chamomile tea, distracted myself by setting up for the reception after, did some deep breathing, popped a Xanax...

Turned out that none of that mattered. This concert was a big deal, and it all hit me twenty minutes before it was supposed to start.  The professional video and audio recording, the news coverage, the world premiere and the hundreds of people in the audience. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I realized that I couldn't do it. What if I ruined the recordings with my nervous jitters? I knew that I would spend the whole concert in a state of panic, no matter how many times I told myself to calm down. After all, who can take a few moments to "meditate" when hundreds of people are watching you?

So after bursting into tears, I sat and talked to Lindsay and Veronica who helped me calm down, and decided not to sing. I momentarily felt better - they were right - it's one concert, and in the grand scheme of life, is it really THAT important?

I sat "backstage" and listened. The singing was spectacular. It made me happy that the concert was a success, it made me sad that I wasn't out there with them, and it made me selfishly angry how obviously they didn't seem to need me anymore.

I stayed to set up the after party (so I felt somewhat useful) and mingled for a little while, but I just wasn't in the mood. I knew that if I talked to Rob that I would just start crying again, which would be a bit of a downer at a party. So instead of eating cake and celebrating a successful ten years with my friends, I drove home sobbing, feeling like everything I went through was for nothing.



Now that I've slept, eaten, played with my boy and calmed down, I keep thinking, "now what?". Will Rob ever trust me again? How much therapy am I going to have to go through to get over this? What if I NEVER feel normal again when I sing? What's it going to take to be the singer and performer I used to be?

I KNOW that if last night had been just another "regular" concert, I could have done it. That is about the only consolation I can find, and the only bit of hope I can cling to. I was too ambitious thinking I could handle the evening, but I love Harmonia and desperately wanted to be part of this celebration. I need to congratulate myself on accomplishing one concert, and what else can I do but try to move forward? (A much easier thought to grapple with after a good night's sleep.)  Maybe I could start taking voice lessons again. Maybe I should give a small recital for friends and family this summer.  Maybe I need to give myself a break and know that I'm doing the best that I can with what has been dealt to me. Or maybe all of the above...

I hate that this is happening to me - and I know that many far worse things can happen to people - but it feels so unfair that I've lost something that has been such a huge part of my life. I just pray that I look back on this weekend someday and know that I've done everything I can do get back to where I want - and need - to be.

A school-ish kind of weekend...

Whatever happened to Saturday niiiiight?…

In anticipation of what I'm guessing will be a really long and busy and tiring next 4 weeks, I've been doing schoolwork for the past 3 hours or so. I also spent about an hour and a half in my classroom today organizing and cleaning. WHAT?! And I'll probably do the same tomorrow…!?

It makes me wonder if I spent this long on schoolwork on a regular basis at home, would it make my daily routine easier? Less scrambling around or planning during the day? Seems like, of course it would be easier. But do I really want to spend my Saturdays/weekends always thinking about school? Definitely not.

It's an internal battle I've had for years. I remember when I first started teaching, how I would look so forward to breaks because I could get SO much work done! I'd load up my workbag, thinking about everything that REALLY needed to get done and was SUPER important…then head home, get into comfy pants…and not open my bag again until the night before I was to go back.

I still do it to some extent. It's true that when I'm at school, everything is swimming through my head and all I'm thinking about is getting a new project ready, or arranging a song for my Choir, or grading this stack of quizzes. It just seems like there is always SOMETHING I could get done (or several).  But then I get home and it just somehow doesn't seem all that important anymore. Do I ever regret not getting things done when I get to work? Of course! But…not always. I mean I DO have planning periods, after all.

How much time do you think is healthy to spend on schoolwork outside of school? I always assume that as I settle into my current job, I'll have less and less to do at home…hopefully!

Thoughts about this new(ish) school year

Whoops, haven't blogged in quite some time! And since How I Met Your Mother is waiting for me on the DVR, this probably won't be too long.

So hope everyone's school year is going well. Mine is going all right. Today, the second rotation of arts classes started. Our students rotate between four different arts offerings, and each lasts about eight weeks. I always have mixed feelings about new groups coming in.  On one hand, it's nice to have a fresh start, but then it means starting all over again! By the time the fourth rotation comes around, I have to admit I'm usually a little tired of the routine. But I don't want to complain. At my former position, I taught the same group of middle school kids for the entire school year, and that is really, really long, especially for that age group. It's nice to let them try a little of everything throughout the year.

I've started taking guitar lessons. My 7th graders take guitar for their music curriculum. While I've been able to get by all right, I always felt that my skills were lacking and that my students could benefit if I just knew more about the instrument. It's been really fun, and is totally going to help me this second time around. I'm looking forward to focusing a lot on chords with them, which is something I haven't done. We've done mostly melody with a few chords mixed in. However, my hubby and guitar teacher have a point when they remind me that most guitarists end up playing rhythm guitar, not being soloists! So I'm looking forward to getting these kids to rock out a bit more, with of course a little Ode To Joy and such mixed in.

I've become a little more invested in my teaching lately, and it seems to be helping both my actual lessons and my mental health. You see, I think I got a little burned out from my previous position. I really threw myself into that job, spending countless hours and energy building up a program that was taken away from me after only 5 years. So when I started my current job, I told myself I wasn't going to do that again. I would do what I had to do but not go crazy with extra things.  And I definitely followed my own advice, and now feel like it's time to step it up a little bit, because really, my job is the most important part of my life right now. Yes I have my hubby and my kitty and friends and outside commitments, but let's face it, we spend most of our time at our jobs. And I don't think I'm the kind of person that can clock out every day as soon as I'm allowed and still feel like I'm doing everything I can.

Hopefully part of that will be maintaining this blog! Maybe I'll start putting up some lesson plans and stuff...not that I want people to steal my ideas...but every now and then I come up with something kinda cool, and I'm sure people would benefit! In fact I'm hatching the idea for the first "informational" blog now...

Summer!

Well here we are...summer time! I'm still in the lovely phase of summer where I am loving the weather and the freedom. I haven't hit the crazy part where I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything and need to do various things to feel valid and important.  So, hooray for that.

I obviously don't have much teaching-related stuff to blog about, although I am teaching some private lessons this summer. I thought it would be good to stay involved in school somehow, plus I have projects at school that NEED to get done. It's just hard to push myself to get in during the summer and get the stuff done.

I must complain for a moment about my knee. I recently re-discovered my love of running. I used to run a lot - even did a marathon in 2008. That really wiped me out and I sort of took awhile off - just running here and there, no real training. Then a few of my friends decided (under the influence of copious amounts of wine) to run a half marathon this spring! So I trained for it, and I did it, and it was excellent of course. I of course decided to sign up for another one in the fall! Yay, right? Well, for some reason or another, my left knee has decided to be a huge jerk and have random pain. I took two weeks off but it really didn't seem to help much. It's so frustrating, especially because I forked out some big $$$ to run this race AND I can't get an appointment with a specialist until August! AHHH! So now I'm forced to NOT run when I have all the time in the world to. Of course I'm so stubborn that I'm just going to run anyway...but not very much. Walking is fine but it's just not the same.

Hmm, not much else to report! I've listened to a few auditions for the choir I sing with over the past week or so. It's great to be involved with that process, and it's always interesting to hear singers from around the area. Auditions are so nerve-wracking, no matter how old or experienced you are. I feel so bad for some people who just cannot seem to calm down or think clearly during the process! Of course I'm sure I'm the same way.

Well I'm sitting in my awesome backyard being eaten alive by bugs, so I should probably turn in. Since it's summer, I'm sure I'll be blogging a lot more. My millions of readers will enjoy it, I'm sure. :)

confidence

I apologize in advance if I seem whiny or attention-seeking...I really don't mean to.  (Of course you also don't have to read this if you don't want to!) Some of these thoughts have been going through my mind lately as it's been All-County time and I'm spending time with other music teachers and, as always, comparing myself to others.

I seem to be struggling a lot lately with confidence in my abilities as an educator and voice teacher. Since it's been All-County time for the past few weeks, and it has made me contemplate the idea of ever conducting at a festival like that, and how I would be simply terrified. And that makes me sad, because I'm sure at some point I used to think I would love to do something like that!  And it's not just that.   I just really miss looking forward to choral rehearsals. I miss doing fun exercises and games with the kids. God I hope it gets better with time.

I just get so down on myself about teaching, to the point where I wonder if it's worth it. Even when I teach privately, I'm worried that I'm missing something big that the kid is doing wrong, or that I'm not covering the basics well enough. I am such a WORRIER. And maybe it's better to be a teacher who is concerned instead of a teacher who really doesn't care, but what if the concern is holding me back?

The thing is I know that I'm a good musician and a good singer and a good person, and all three of those things should make for a darn good teacher...but I just don't think I'm there...and I want to be! What can I do to become more confident? Is it getting more experience? Watching others and getting some new ideas? Even if I do get all those things, will I ever really feel like I'm doing a good job, or will I always worry and second guess myself? I would love to sit in a meeting with other teachers and feel confident enough to count myself as an equal...but I'm definitely not there yet.

Seems like a good first step would be to remind myself what my strengths are, and try to go from there...

Chorus woes

So, I love singing, as clearly indicated by the name of this blog. In fact when I went to college I didn't even really know what I wanted to do. I just knew I loved music and I loved to sing. More specifically, I love singing in a choir. I don't even understand people who don't love it as much as I do. It's basically the greatest thing you can do with your time, and I would feel like the greatest person in the world if I could get my kids to feel the same way.

But sadly I have found that in my current position, I don't like, ok, I despise the choral program. I rarely look forward to teaching either of my two choirs (5/6 and 7/8). This is partially due to the schedule and mainly due to my lack of ability to teach this age group.

The deal is I don't get to see my choirs very often. So all of the things that I LOVE doing - fun warm-ups, sight-reading, activities to help us read the music - I feel like I have no time to do any of it because it's just soooo important to get ready for the concert. I find myself just pushing them through to learn the notes and memorize the songs in the little time that we have. And as a result, my rehearsals are lame and unfulfilling and the kids are not learning a darn thing about reading music or vocal technique - two things that are essential to being in a choir!!!!!!!

It's to the point where I'll be sitting in one of my own choral rehearsals and find myself thinking about my students and how they are not getting nearly as much out of Choir as they could be and that I'm depriving these kids of a great experience. (I know it sounds dramatic but that's really how I feel!)

The thing that's hardest for me is the younger kids. I forget sometimes that for most of them, this is the first time they've been in a Chorus. They don't know what it's like to be a good Chorus student - what frame of reference do they have? I am the one who should be teaching them these basic fundamental things, but I find myself NOT doing that! It's like I just expect them to know what to do and when they don't, I just get frustrated and negative. I wish I could find the balance between making my rehearsals fun while still creating a true learning environment.

I know the best answer for me is to stop making excuses and to teach the way I want to. Sure, I don't see them a lot, but that doesn't mean I can't come up with routines to get us warmed up and make them think about their voices. It doesn't mean I can't spend 2 minutes doing a sight-reading exercise or choose one less song to do in the concert. I know that in the long run, it is way better to take the time to teach them how to read music and how to sing correctly.

I'm also in a school where I have a lot of freedom to do what I like with the choral program. So theoretically I could audition all my singers and only take the ones who I know will take it seriously - even in 5th grade. But is that right? Should I give all the young kids a chance, or raise the credibility of the program by adding a screening process? Will this discourage good kids from joining if they're afraid to audition, or will it "weed out" the kids that I get frustrated with?

I'd love to hear your thoughts, as usual.

Almost spring break!

"DJ!"

Ooooops, it has been a really long time since I posted!  Well, this is definitely worth a post. Today while searching on Google for the option to disable the infamous "DJ" button on the keyboards in my classroom, I found some hilarious comments on some random message board. I laughed so hard I cried because they are totally true and make me wonder if some of my students wrote them...

(If you don't have these delightful keyboards in your classroom, you will not find this nearly as funny as I did.  You should also consider yourself lucky.)

It's certainly wonderful to have a set of classroom keyboards, but the second they discover that DJ button...it's all over...

Anyway, enjoy.

From the website: http://www.lawoftheplayground.com/browse.php?type=subject&id=1063

"The "DJ" button on some Yamaha keyboards has to be the greatest ever button ever made ever, anywhere, on anything.

Pressing it unleashes a loud shout of "DJ!", which for some strange reason seems to infuriate music teachers. It also changes all the keys to various "DJ" sounds, including several orgasmic moans.

When our music teacher told Alan to press the DJ button until he got bored of it, I think Alan believed he had died and gone to heaven."


"The DJ button is indeed the finest thing ever put on a keyboard. Our Music lessons were a doss at the best of times, but the day we discovered the uses of the DJ button was like finding the Holy Grail.
This culminated in a couple of lads using the moaning sounds to recreate a porn soundtrack. All it really needed was the kid next to them playing a bit of 70s funk guitar, and if you shut your eyes, it'd have been perfect."


"The DJ button also infuriated our teacher. When asked to go away and write a composition, those with the new Yamaha keyboards would invariably come back with a mishmash of orgasmic moans, "DJ!" and "Dictionary" (another function). We were eventually banned from using that key."

Sign language for me - pay no attention! :)

http://www.signingsavvy.com/sign/SEASON/5329/1

http://www.signingsavvy.com/sign/OF/6086/1

http://www.signingsavvy.com/sign/WONDER/8129/1

http://www.signingsavvy.com/sign/LIGHT/5590/1

http://www.signingsavvy.com/sign/STAR/2619/1

http://www.signingsavvy.com/sign/SHINE/4487/1

http://www.signingsavvy.com/sign/BRIGHT/3072/1

http://www.signingsavvy.com/sign/AGAINST/865/1

http://www.signingsavvy.com/sign/COLD/533/1

http://www.signingsavvy.com/sign/DARK/1190/1

http://www.signingsavvy.com/sign/NIGHT/22/1

http://www.signingsavvy.com/sign/POUR/2173/1

http://www.signingsavvy.com/sign/YOUR/501/1

http://www.signingsavvy.com/sign/DOWN/1239/1

http://www.signingsavvy.com/sign/LOVE/255/1

http://www.signingsavvy.com/sign/FROM/159/1

http://www.signingsavvy.com/sign/GREAT/3557/1

http://www.signingsavvy.com/sign/SKY/2523/1

STRESS! (a major theme of my life)

As the busiest time of year looms ahead, I'm bracing myself...I have to keep remembering to stay as relaxed as possible and to de-stress whenever I can! I bought some new sneaks, which is usually great motivation to get back out there. I used to run regularly, but haven't for the last year or so, mainly because my knees starting acting up and also because I think it can actually ADD stress to my life. However, I think it's time to start it up again, just not so intense.

(they look sort of like this...)

My main purpose of this post, however, is to get some feedback from my devoted fans... (whoever you may be...)

How stressful do you find teaching? What is "normal" stress and what are the signs that you might be happier or better suited somewhere else?

I'm not necessarily speaking about me, although there have been MANY times when I've contemplated changing jobs or switching careers. (Not that I would probably have that luxury at this time...) I'm just wondering how normal that is?

Also...what are your tricks for staying fresh and not getting burned out? I've found the following things are great distractions and hopefully relieve some stress:

• Exercise (but not too crazy!)
• Shopping (I'm contemplating starting a separate blog dedicated to my love of Vera Bradley...)
• Baking
• Yoga (ok I only did it once but I need to do it more!)
• Blogging!

...but I would love more outlets for stress relief, because it's something I will always be dealing with. 

Thanks!

good times

So this term has been pretty great so far. I know it's only Wednesday but I'm really feeling much better about everything. I think one of the main reasons is that I implemented seating charts right away. I used to only use seating charts when I felt I needed to, as a last resort in a way, but this time I decided to just start right away. It seems to set the tone immediately that I'm in control - plus it keeps them away from their friends a bit. :)

I've also FINALLY started doing singing, solfege and sight-reading with my 5th graders and I looooove it. I love how the kids are responding and how they're so eager to demonstrate exercises and sing. I used to do so much talking and now I'm starting to realize how much kids want to participate and talk and show off and be a part of the lesson, especially younger ones. I love hearing them sing!

We were also treated to a concert by the York Consort. The kids were really fascinated by the instruments and asked so many questions. (Actually they were mostly fascinated by the sheep gut strings, haha). The concert was so informative and enjoyable. It was awesome! Thanks, Nancy!

fighting the couch potato urge...

I am soooo lazy today. This probably has something to do with the fact that I spent all day yesterday at a great wedding! I was honored to be asked to cantor at the ceremony, and then of course we all partied a lot at the reception! So that combined with the gray skies outside makes me want to sit around for the rest of the night in pajamas and do nothing productive.

But of course I can't! Why, you ask? Tomorrow starts the second arts rotation, which means I will be seeing brand new groups in my general music classes. I have to start alllll over again! This schedule is great in lots of ways. The kids have music every day for eight weeks, then switch to another arts class. If I decide I want to change or modify any of my projects or units, I don't have to wait until the next school year to do so. I get four chances to try things in different ways - so that's great. The hard part is, well, I have to start from scratch four times. So I know I have to sit down with my plan book and lesson plans and reflect upon the term and what I want to do differently or make sure I do the same.  Of course if I want to make any big changes, it's Sunday at 5:30...so probably nothing drastic will be happening.

I made it one of my goals this year to keep daily lesson plans for all of my classes - like full, hand-written lesson plans with objectives and staging and all of that good stuff. I've done a decent job, but pretty much forgot about it for the last couple of weeks. It seems that it's hard to map out a unit in days (such as "Unit 1: Day 3: students will blah blah blah...") because it seems to change with every term. Different kids, different schedules, etc. But as long as I can keep the general structure, pacing and timing of a unit on record, I think it will help me a lot.

I'm quite a planner. I am not good at "winging it". Even when it's something like making a speech to my students, I always practice what I'm going to say. I just don't work well when I'm under that kind of pressure. It's like I can't think straight about what I'm trying to accomplish because I'm usually distracted by something. So it's always best for me to know ahead of time what I'm going to say or do. This can get kind of annoying though, because there are often times when I have to think on my feet. Those lessons or discussions or activities never feel like they go as well. Hopefully this is something I can work on.

I also want to say how much I loved my 5th grade group this time around. They were the sweetest kids ever and were genuinely sad to leave to go to their next arts class. I had them fill out a brief course evaluation and one thing I asked was for their favorite and least favorite unit. Most, if not all, said they didn't have a least favorite and liked everything! So that was great. I think it has made a HUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE difference this year  being an advisor.

It totally changes the way kids see me as compared to last year's 5th graders. There has just been much less behavior issues than ever before. I know it's only November, but I am just so pleased with how well the 5th grade has been going this year. Even in Chorus, where I would typically count on the 6th graders to lead the way, the 5th grade has been much better behaved and more responsive overall.

I better go knock on some wood like right now.

Ok, I did.

Thanks for all of the comments last time by the way! Keep them coming!

Those 5th Graders!

This morning I attended a festival for classroom music teachers in my county.  It was my first time going to this particular festival, mostly because I haven't taught younger grades before. I'll be honest and say that I'm never all that excited to go to these things. HOWEVER, I always leave with new ideas, and that's all that really matters. Getting new ideas and staying fresh with teaching is so important. I feel like I can never have enough new lessons, games, resources, etc.

It's always inspiring watching teachers who just make it look so easy. I get way too focused on myself when I teach - what am I doing, what do I look like, what could I  do better? Not that these are bad things, but I feel like it takes away from the kids! I put so much pressure on myself and am constantly analyzing myself that I might be thinking about myself more than the kids in front of me.  I think I just need to have more FUN and also not be afraid to try certain things. I've shied away from singing with my 5th graders, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that it needs to happen. Even though I only see them for a short time, if I want to improve on the kid's reading skills, that's the best way I know how. It's also something I (obviously) feel comfortable doing myself. What I want to do is make sure I present it to the kids in the right way - that singing is just what we do in my class. I think the best way to start this next term is to incorporate it into warm-up activities, which I was already going to do.

I'd really like to see what others do with their 5th graders. My particular situation is different from most of my teacher friends in that I see the kids every day for 8 weeks and then I don't see them until next year. Many people have the kids from kindergarten through 5th - sometimes through 4th. Regardless, I'd like to spend some more time learning what other people are doing with their 5th graders. How much will 5th graders be willing to do as far as singing, dancing, etc.? What about instruments?  I know it always depends on the group, but I'd still love to know more from my colleagues (which is generally the idea behind this blog). :)

As always, please comment! If you have trouble, you can always just comment anonymously. I also know those "prove you're not a robot" detector thingies can be really annoying. :)

Assessment

I need to get better about assessing my students on a regular basis. We had a faculty meeting recently and many of the teachers had so many insightful things to say about grades, assessments, rubrics, expectations, and as per usual it made me feel inadequate as a teacher! I'm not great when it comes to giving feedback and grades - which is not good! So I want to go into next term with as many rubrics and assessments ready as possible (which is the week after next - yikes!) I think it will help me keep track of student progress as well as keep students accountable and understand what is expected of them. I need to this for all of my classes.

On another note, I hate Tuesdays. I teach three 84 minute blocks plus two short Chorus rehearsals plus another 42 minute class. Especially on a rainy day...yuck. Exhausting.

On yet another note, I really need to work on making my choral rehearsals more fun. There are many excuses I could make about what's wrong with the schedule and behavior but really when it comes down to it, I need to make things more fun and also more meaningful. My kids are just not reading music at all and spending too much time talking. I wish they walked in the door with the incentive to want to sing better and put all of their personal things aside, but they don't. If I don't keep their attention non-stop, it's all over. I just want to have things ready to keep their attention and make them want to stop talking to their friend and pay attention. I know it will take time, but blech...I just want it to be better now!

A typical Friday night...

Here I am on a rockin' Saturday night, wearing my favorite penguin fleece pajama pants and new favorite hoodie from school. I could not be any cooler.

I've noticed an unfortunate trend in my life that's probably been going on for years.  It seems that every week, I start out feeling relaxed, hopeful and even refreshed to conquer a new week of teaching...

...yet by Friday, I'm generally exhausted, cranky and spend most of the evening thinking about how all of my lessons went that week and everything that didn't go well and all of my weaknesses as a teacher. Like to the point where I really question if I'm doing the right thing with my life and whether or not I should find a new job and let someone else take over who would do better.

Not too fun.

I would love to have a week where I feel the majority of things went well. Perhaps after many years of teaching, this may happen. Who knows? I wonder if anyone else feels this way.

I think my main problem is that I lack confidence, particularly when it comes to dealing with conflict. For instance, it takes a LOT for me to approach a kid in the hall and ask them why they didn't come to rehearsal that day. It takes a LOT for me to sit and have a serious talk with a student about a problem. It's like, I often am aware of what or who is causing the problem, but I am not always sure how to fix it nor am I willing to step out of my comfort zone to make whatever changes are necessary.

I HAVE gotten better about calling parents...so that's good. I used to be absolutely terrified to call parents, but it's getting easier, probably because I've done it a few times now.

I guess that's always what it comes down to...just forcing myself to do something and it'll eventually get easier. At least I hope that's the way.

I also wish I was a better "salesman". I mean so much of teaching is getting the kids to buy into what you're selling/teaching.  I wish I knew how to get kids to take ownership and be more self-motivated, particularly in Chorus.  I wish they were more interested in singing their parts and learning about their voices than talking to their friend next to them. I've always hoped that kids will eventually catch on and how realize how cool singing and music are, but it seems at the middle school level there has to be more fear involved.

Again, I think that over time I will figure these things out, but it's SOOOOOOOOOOO frustrating to not be there yet. I think about my students and feel guilty that they're not getting to work with a seasoned teacher. I feel like they could get so much more out of their classes if they had a teacher who was more experienced, more strict and more confident.

Blech.

And tomorrow I have to go to school anyway, so I'm planning on getting all kinds of things done. I need like 17 more hours in the day, and then I might actually feel completely prepared for the day. But probably not...

p.s. I promise I'll blog about positive things once in awhile.  I just don't feel the need to sit and write about things when I'm feeling good.

"Who needs sleep?"....ME! (and so do you!)

On Wednesday, after I created that very unhappy post, I got to take part in one of the best professional days ever! The best part was that at 10:30, we were able to take a yoga class with one of the dance teacher at my school! It was excellent (and I was able to check one thing off my "30 before 30" list!).

I totally did that pose.

Ok no I didn't.

(I am the most inflexible person ever. I'm amazed that anyone can sit and reach their toes. Seriously.)

I really loved it - it was relaxing, challenging, rewarding and most importantly, stress relieving! I've since then looked up the schedule of yoga classes at my gym and am planning on trying to make that a part of my week on a regular basis. I think that it will be great for so many reasons.

I've also just kinda chilled out the last couple of nights, which is great. I've loaded up the first couple days of the week. On Monday, I teach all of my private lessons (4 voice students) and on Tuesday I have choir rehearsal for 2+ hours. So Wednesdays have become my evening of doing whatever I want. Tonight I actually fell asleep and woke up too late to go to my church choir rehearsal :-/ but I know I needed the extra nap.

It took me a few years to realize just how bad it is to not get enough sleep. It was at the point where I was teaching and would lose my voice almost completely by Thursday because I was going to some kind of rehearsal almost every single night of the week while also waking up at 6 am. I would probably get an average of 6 hours of sleep a night, which is just NOT enough for me. Besides losing my voice, being tired also makes me cranky and irrational. It makes something that normally wouldn't be a big deal seem like the end of the world.

I would love to go back in time and tell myself this. I think back to the days in college when I would be awake until well past midnight having deep conversations and making all these emotional decisions. How ridiculous! Now whenever I'm on Facebook and I see my former students posting sad or depressing messages at 3 am, I just want to shake them and say GO TO SLEEP! I guarantee whatever is on your mind can wait until tomorrow, and it will DEFINITELY be a lot easier to deal with after you get some sleeeeeeep!

So it's all about balance. I love feeling rested and relaxed, but now I have to start working in some exercise. I think yoga will be a nice way back in, because it is something physical and challenging. Plus I'll be at the gym already, so maybe I'll make the effort to walk 20 feet and hop on a treadmill!

...maybe...

Tired...

So here we are in the 3rd week of school. We have a professional day and I probably should be using this time to work on my classes or administrative stuff. But I've been itching to write for awhile, as there's lots of things on my mind since the start of this year.

I knew it would be a big transition going from part-time to full-time. So many people congratulated me when they heard the news and while I was happy about some aspects, I kept going back to thinking about how I would miss sleeping in and being able to leave in the afternoon if I was finished teaching. Those kinds of things made such a difference in my overall level of energy and happiness. And sure enough, I come home every day feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, and I wake up every morning wishing I could sleep more.

Being part-time is just so much healthier for your body, even if it's not as healthy for your bank account.

Of course I'm writing this as I'm tired, which means it will be much crankier and bitter than it would be if I was writing this on a Saturday morning at 10 am.

It just frustrates me that I'm so wiped out after a day of teaching. I mean I know it's great that I'm dedicated to my job and that I care about what I do, but I would certainly like to have more energy at the end of the day. I haven't exercised in weeks, because when I have any amount of time to myself, I seem to fill it up with either doing more schoolwork or sitting down. I used to love exercising and I felt like I needed to do it every day to feel good about myself. Now it's completely at the bottom of my list of priorities. And while I try to convince myself I'm okay with it, I'm clearly not, since I get extremely jealous and sad when I hear about someone else I know getting up early to exercise or going for a run or signing up for a race. It makes me feel like I should be doing the same thing but I can't seem to make myself to do it anymore.

I know part of it is that I'm new at this job, and therefore going a little crazy figuring out how and what I want to teach. And it's not like once I do it for the first time, I've got it down. It takes constant tweaking and revising and analyzing. And I never feel like I'm prepared enough. I can spend a lot of time getting ready for one class, but oh wait, there's three more I haven't thought about for that day!

So I guess I'm just venting. I'm sure every full-time teacher feels this way at some point. I just need to figure out what's important to me, and clearly, sleeping and exercise should get much higher ranking on my priority list! I can't wait until some time has passed and I feel more comfortable with my classes. (So, like, 25 years from now...)

experiment...

]https://www.dropbox.com/s/x4vpdwgdb8w81ym/Earth%20Song.mp3

Private Voice Studio

Looks like I have 3 private students for the next school year so far. I'm expecting at least 2 more. I think that will be plenty on top of full-time teaching. I like teaching privately but it can get overwhelming.

I remember when I was in college, I used to think about teaching privately full-time. Now that I'm an actual adult in the working world, I imagine that would be an interesting lifestyle. I mean people can cancel anytime, and unless you have a strict cancellation policy, that's money you just won't get. Plus, you usually have to work when other people are off, such as the evenings and weekends. I don't think I'd be cool with that, especially if I have kiddos someday.

Last year I had a really young student - a 5th grader - and I was hesitant at first about it. I feel like a lot of my training was geared towards more "advanced" singers, plus I'd been working with high school students for the last 5 years. But as the year went on, I realized that it's actually kinda cool to teach younger kids, because, for the most part, you get a fresh start. I like that I can teach them the basics in a way that I think will help them as they get more advanced, especially with sight-reading. This student in particular got a perfect score on her sight-reading at Solo Fest in the spring and I was super excited for her! (And for myself, of course). Younger singers don't really have a lot of preconceived notions or bad habits to deal with, and I think I'm going to enjoy teaching this age group a lot. Plus the songs are easier to play on the piano. :)

Speaking of piano, I'd like to take a moment to remind myself that I dislike despise teaching piano lessons. I know this is true because all of my piano students have been good kids. I just don't feel like I know what I'm doing and I certainly don't enjoy it. Therefore, I will stick with what I know and enjoy.

August, WHAT?!

Well, it's August. Usually about this time I start getting back into school mode.

Yuck!

This September brings on two new classes for me.  Last year I taught 5th and 6th grade music, and this year I'll be adding on 7th and 8th grade music.  While last year went pretty well overall, I want to revisit the classes and restructure the curriculums (curricula?) for each.

My plan is to spend this week figuring specifics out, such as a general outline for the courses and overall goals for each.  I'll start with a little brainstorming below.

By the way, I love the Olympics. Except for the commercials.

5th Grade
Composition - we did a project last year in which students set the text of a haiku to music, using pianos. It was pretty successful, but I want to add on a technology piece in which students use Finale to create the final product. The nature of Finale, however, makes creating the music almost too free and they end up changing the piece once they realize how easy it is to make changes.  So I want to stick with this overall concept but tweak the requirements.

Research - The 5th graders at my school do a big research project, and the music teacher before me always gave the students a type of "headstart" by doing a modified project in music class. I stuck with that idea and had the students research a famous composer of their choice. While I want to continue with a research project, I would like to make it more meaningful to them. Part of the issue was that I never had them do any kind of presentation, so I think that will make it a lot better and mean more to them. I might go back to what they used to do, which was choose a medieval instrument, which ties into the overall 5th grade curriculum.

Music Reading - I need to continue adding music reading into the curriculum all the time. I want the kids to read music EVERY DAY in some way. I had too many days last year where they stayed in their seats and we would discuss things, instead of making music! So I need to get a whole bunch of exercises ready to pull out every day - singing, a rhythm game, etc.

Listening Journals - I had the kids do a listening journal this year and they had listening quizzes after a certain number. I don't want to do that exact journal again next year, but I'd like to stick with some kind of listening journal overall. Perhaps I can make it a blog-style type journal, and they can respond to listening examples through comments on a blog, and then I can respond to those comments.

What's my overall goal for this class? What's the theme? 

6th Grade
I was overall really pleased with the 6th grade curriculum this year. Basically, it's a piano class. Depending on the class, they would play the whole class! The last term was a lot tougher, and needed more direction. The only things I would like to tweak about this class is changing the music to being "real" notes instead of "easy music" type cheater notes.  I also want to work on how to grade them and perhaps create overall rubrics and guidelines for each song.

Encourage good musicianship as much as possible. Focus on steady beat, correct fingers, etc.

7th Grade
The 7th graders learn guitar, which is going to be interesting for me. Guitar is certainly not my strength. I'll just need to make sure I'm always a few steps ahead of the kids (other than the kids that take lessons!) and to not get myself freaked out.

Keep them engaged, update the songs, and work on your own guitar technique and skills.

8th Grade
The 8th graders will be taking a class that focuses on film scoring. In the past, students have done activities such as take a clip from a movie and add classical music to it. They also choose a children's story to record and add sound effects to it. They also watch various films and take notes on the music. I'd like to continue with this general theme but update a few of the elements. I would love for them to take a video and add original music, but I don't know if there's time. Having them write music is a whole different level. I think what I'd really like to do is get them using Garageband instead of stupid Windows Movie Maker, which is all I have. UGH. I think what I really just need to do with this class is look at the previous curriculum and materials used, and update it and make it my own.

What's the overall goal for the class? What aspects of film scoring and multimedia do you want them to focus on? 

I also need to get more comfortable and familiar with my super cool SmartBoard! There's so much I can do with it and I'm a SmartBoard dummy.

Here's to a productive week...well, not toooooo productive...it is summer still! :)